Have you ever been to a hot yoga class? It kinda feels like seeking the Lord in Costa Rica. Hot and stretching. Our time here in the jungle of Costa Rica has been full of no WiFi, hand mixing concrete, kid’s ministry, and lots of rice and beans. The Lord has been stretching me in so many new ways over the past few months.
During my time in Guatemala, the Lord brought me to Luke 9:23. It says, “And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.’” With rumors of team changes and creeping up on the halfway point of the race, my expectations of what I wanted out of the rest of the race were pretty set in stone. I was in a place where I wasn’t willing to let go of the things I wanted or expected from God.
At debrief, we drew an image of how we were feeling. I drew an image of two hands. One hand was open – ready to receive. The other hand was clenched tight in a fist. I felt like I was at a crossroads and the Lord was giving me a choice. Was I going to open the other hand and receive what he has planned for me? Or was I going to clench the other hand and keep clinging to the things I want?
Each night at worship, I would break down in tears fighting an internal battle. I wanted to give over my expectations to the Lord, but if I let go of those expectations then I would have nothing left. I would be giving away what little control I was barely clinging to. I wrote in my journal, “This is a fight I can’t win and yet I keep fighting.” And in all the Lord’s gentleness he reminded me that what I really want is intimacy. In my core he designed me for deep connection with Him. And he is better than any earthly thing that I may desire.
Before Jesus went to the cross he said “‘Father if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless not my will, but yours, be done.’” (Luke 22:42) He pleaded with the Father for another way. But in John’s gospel it says that Jesus “went out, bearing his own cross.” You see Jesus even surrendered to the Father’s will. He chose to pick up his cross. He chose to step into what the Father was calling him to do. And he did it with a willing heart.
So at the end of debrief I decided to get baptized. To relinquish control. To wash away old expectations. To lay down the need to be perfect or to have it all together at the feet of Jesus. And I felt so much freedom. For even though it seemed like I was letting go of all the things – I was actually opening my hands up to receive all that the Father has for me. And in order for me to receive, I need to keep my hands open. And surrender daily. But the most beautiful part is that I don’t have to do it on my own. The Lord has promised that it will be in His strength that my hands remain open to receive.
Surrendering to the Father’s will is something even Jesus did. And it’s something he has called us to do daily. Because what he has for us is always so much better.
