What is failure?
Our CGA class was posed with this question at the start of our first class. Intense intro, right? I anticipated a name game, maybe an ice breaker, or even sharing random facts about ourselves. But instead, I was invited into a discussion with my class and a sweet conversation with the Lord.
Google defines failure as a lack of success. But what does that mean to each of us individually? Why does the word failure carry so much weight? Fear? Discomfort? For me, it can be simply put. I don’t want to need grace. My train of thought sometimes goes…. if I accept my own failures, then I need grace, then I must give up my perfection. And if I’m not perfect… then what?
This past week my CGA class went to Chattanooga for a Welcome Week retreat. We had class, ate meals together, enjoyed free time, and fellowshipped. It was a great time to get to know each other and set the tone for this semester. One night after washing the dishes, I was stopped on my way out and kindly asked to re-wash the muffin tin. It was borrowed and needed to be returned in tiptop condition.
Enter: Intense Work Mode. I took the pan to the large sink and began scrubbing. And scrubbing. And scrubbing. I poured dish soap all over the pan and let it soak and suds and cut through the grease. But despite my vigorous scrubbing, I couldn’t get the pan clean. No matter how hard I scrubbed, in my own strength I couldn’t make the pan spotless.
Enter tears. I was overwhelmed by my failure to complete this task. I felt worthless and less than. I simply wasn’t good enough. And I was reminded that similar to the washing of the pan, I cannot keep myself fully clean. I cannot make myself spotless before the Father.
Enter Jesus. You see, the beauty that is the Gospel comes from the reality that is our brokenness. The reality that I am unclean, that I have made mistakes. This brokenness brings me to the heart posture before the Father where I desire his grace. Where I desire to be washed clean through the blood of Jesus. I get to celebrate the fullness of what Jesus did on the cross, because I am honest with my shortcomings. And I am so thankful that the Lord uses mundane tasks like washing dishes to remind me of His goodness.
Our Father isn’t like the original pan owner in this story. He doesn’t require us to be returned to him in pristine condition. He simply wants his pan back. In whatever condition it may come. We don’t have to scrub ourselves before we come back to the Father. We can come to him as we are. And HE will be faithful to do the rest.
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This is a great writing, Annie May! And, WOW!, it really hit home with me. I was laughing because I often identify with you and can picture myself feeling the same way in that situation. Then the happy tears, reading your beautiful words, “He doesn’t require us to be returned to him in pristine condition. He simply wants his pan back.”
That’s SO good!